Blabberrrr.

Today is the first time I have went into the church in a while. I thought I was going to actually go often just to sit by myself, but I have been so busy and trying to keep my self occupied and really trying to get Italian down… that I kind of got a head of myself. I got to the point where if I would sit in the car for longer than ten minutes, and close my eyes for more than 5 seconds I would open them and ask myself where I was? Not because I don’t remember where I am at, more because it feels just like home to the extent that its all normal, so the one time my mind strays and thinks about home for too long… its like the whole process of getting back to the point I was when I was at school and with my host family, starts all over again. I went to the church today, walked in, sat down, by myself as usual. I sat there and for a second it was like I went completely blank. I didn’t do the whole where am I thing, but more of completely all thoughts gone. Just me and the church. The statue in front of me was of the man himself, and I just sat there.. staring. Then I thought, what am I expecting to happen at this moment? Am I expecting this statue to somehow come to life and be like Liz I bless you, and this is what you really need to do, this is how you must continue with things, this, this, and this…. Is that what I thought was going to really happen if I just sat there? I bowed my head. I prayed hard, and long. Or was I praying? Or was I contemplating what I really needed and what I needed to say to God. I finally got to the point where I prayed. Looked back up and stared at the statue again. Just stared. Nothing more nothing less. I had the sudden realization, that I don’t need to let things work them out themselves, going with the flow is not a horrible thing, but its not something I need to count on, I don’t know what should happen next but I know what I have to do to get to the point where I want to be. I am here now, and I know what I want to reach… so with that, I just gotta do it, not wait around and act like its going to happen.